From the heart…

I’ve been struggling over the last four days or so how the news of my transgender status has affected those around me. Some have shrugged it off, others have come to terms with it, some are curious but one or two have gone deathly silent.

You like to know who your friends are for sure but from a personal perspective, when you’ve taken the time to sit down with them and explain the pain you’ve been enduring for over 40 years you would like them to be equally honest back and say that they will need time to think and come to terms with it or that they can’t deal with it and that’s that. Not to offer support and understanding and then go offline.

When they go silent on you, you just start thinking negatively again. Is this the tip of the iceberg? Am I doing the right thing? Do I or should I have to put people through this? Should I end it all and get the pain (mine and my loved ones) over with in one last glorious fling?

No fucking way. Sorry for the language but you need to get the depth of feeling here. I didn’t ask to be trans, I’ve lost a substantial, part of my life hiding away in fear and shame. I’m a good person, I’m not religious as such but I share the same values as many religions extoll. I’m kind, considerate and fiercely loyal, have a talent for fixing things and like to offer help when I can so why should I feel ashamed of how I was born because of the limitations of western society?

I will never pull away from a friendship because of a crisis a friend is facing but that’s me. I feel so guilty when I say no to a camping trip or pub meal because I feel such a liar attending in male mode. I can’t lie anymore and if I’m condemned for being myself then that’s how its going to be. If I make people uncomfortable, I’m sorry but I am a product of nature, no different to everyone else except for some dodgy hormone timings when I was in my mum’s womb. And it’s their problem now.

I want my life back. I’m taking my life back. My wife is by my side and my family is with me.

I’ll apologise for the rant here. I needed to vent these feelings and hopefully if you’ve read this far you’ll have a tiny appreciation for what trans people go through every day. More often than not these feelings are just internalised and form a part of gender dysphoria whereby we argue, rationalise, beat up, belittle, abuse, shame and disgust ourselves in our own minds.

You may or may not have ever thought about your gender – you probably rarely if ever think of yourself as being a particular sex, sexuality or gender. Trans folk think of their gender practically every second of every minute of every day. Day and Night. It’s exhausting.


About Rachel Russell

Hi, I'm Rachel. I'm married, transgender (trans woman), a network engineer, a photographer, very amateur astronomer, love natural history, science and technology, electronics and so much other stuff. Most of all I love my wife.
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3 Responses to From the heart…

  1. enlustered says:

    Silence–ewwwww! We have too much passivity in the U.S. and I think it causes suffering more than anything because no one does anything to make things better. I kind of want you to know (if you don’t already) that ALL people suffer with situations related to being (or not being) themselves. It’s caused me a lot of pain believing others had found something I could not in life–happiness. The happiness of all is wrapped up in the happiness of each, and it always will be. And in response to, “Should I end it all…?” Hell to the no! (I love ghetto-ness and slang.) You are loved. You belong. You are meant to be here.

    • The English are very good at griping and moaning and not too good at doing anything about it until something gives. I prefer to bleat early on! I definitely do know and understand that almost all folk have some issue or problem that to them at the very least may be huge. Thanks for your nice comment at the end – I’ve learnt that over the last few months and in some cases been firmly reminded.

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